8 months til im 18.

now, im not in ANY rush to get out of the house but as soon as i graduate in june, I WILL GET A GOOD JOB. i will probably have to go on foodstamps and everything right away but it will get started. I was just looking at apartments and things on craigslist and its crazy that in just 8 short months ill actually be looking for a place to live and going to work, and this all means that i cant wait. im so excited that ill be out on my own soon, taking care of my son and attempting to cook nice dinners for danny and alex every night. its just gunna be great, im kinda excited:)

I dont know how to deal..

Those two pictures right there, absolutely kill me. That guy with his beautiful baby girl, yeah thats my sons biological father. Notice I dont say dad. And guess what, thats because he's nothing but a sperm donor. Maybe Im the slut for sleeping with him while I knew he was with cassie too, but guess what? I did it. and if im a slut, so be it. Miss anna marie is 3 weeks older then alex, which obviously means we were pregnant at the same time, had sex near the same time and blah blah blah. Well this douchebag here at first denied having sex with me to protect his relationship. well it obviously didnt. How would I be pregnant then? yeah exactly. well those pictures are from his daughters first birthday party. and it makes me sick. she lives in pittsburgh and still had a party for her and saw her. He has NEVER seen my son. and while yeah Im okay with it, I have danny and I love him. It still irks me. I want to get him for child support, I want him to pay for what he did to me. I was small and pretty and now I am an overworked mother struggling to get by. And its his fault. Im living off of my mom because of how tough everything is. And danny doesnt want me to file for child support because he wants to take care of us. Which is the only reason I havent, but I want to so bad. I do not love chris, I never have and I never will. But I think it is the least he can do. I dont understand how this asshole can sleep at night favoring one child but denying the other. And maybe im ovverreacting but I dont think so. I can repeat a hundred times that I love danny and he is all I need but that asshole deserves to pay and deserves everything he gets.

This kinda hit me hard last night.

Alex will never be able to wear regular gloves.

i just dont get it.

why is life so hard for me and my family as others are buying 5 cars that they are never going to drive all at once and never going to need. i wish i had a car and  money and a house and a million other things. i got called trailer trash today. i got called an ugly bitch dumbass today for trying to stand up for the person who i have grown closest to that isnt my family. and then i got denied to go to renis birthday party. I AM FUMING. im trying to be a good person and do everything right. but that doesnt seem to matter now. all that seems to matter is EVERYTHING BESIDES ME. nobody cares that im stressed out, or that i need things too. my sister just lost her job with christmas two months away. im afraid to start my job and honestly i dont think its worth it, but whatever that was decided for me yesterday. gosh, this parenting thing isnt easy. i dont want to do my schoolwork or anything such as. i just want to be done with EVERYTHING. GOD. i dont understand i dont i dont i dont. why cant i just be happy for once. why cant their be a day when i can wake up and have danny be here and help me with breakfast and alex. then i could do some schoolwork, take a shower and a nap. get ready and go to work and then after work go do something fun. i just dont get it. i have lost almost all faith in myself and everyone around me. how am i supposed to do this?

long distance isnt worth it

so dont let anyone ever tell you that it is. its hard and it fucking sucks. theres always going to be cheating or lying or trust issues or something is going to come up. and its ten times harder when you have a child to take care of all alone. ya i get that there are a lot of single teen mothers out there. but im not single and i feel like shit because im doing it all alone. i shouldnt have to. i feel like i have no free time even though i am home alone all day and usually all night. i want time to myself. all day and night and day again i am a mother. and it sucks. i love alex more then anything in the world, but i have to think about him before any decision is made. if i could, right now i would save enough money for a greyhound ticket and be off to cincinatti. but thats not an option with alex. and without alex i wouldnt be with danny so im fine with it being here. but im just barely getting by. im happy, but im not. yeah thats probably confusing but life FUCKING SUCKS NOW. i just so bad want to give danny an ultimatum but i know its not fair because he cant legally leave yet..but january 12th, he better be packing up to come here or i so want to be out. its not healthy for me to be doing this to myself now. im not a child anymore. a phone call, text or IM isnt enough for me. I lay every night staring at his side of the bed and my heart breaks a little more every time were apart. and yeah were trying to work on things. but am i supposed to tell him that im getting those feelings, but im not acting on it. i love him and i dont want to ruin it. but those needy feelings are slowly creeping back and i dont know what the hell im supposed to do. i want everything to work out and him to be here. im not going to mess up again, i know that but if those feelings overpower me what am i supposed to do? I could type until my fingers get out, but i dont have time for that. the only one who can do something about it is danny and i. so im going to let him read this when he gets home from school and we can talk about it.

baby, i do love you. lets get through this together.

what the hell do you do?

I feel like complete shit, and i have for a while. Im sick of feeling like crap because I cheated. There is no way to take back time but I wish I wish I wish. I with things would have been different and yeah were still together but I cant take it. I get to feel like a peice of shit every day. Its like, he doesnt trust me to use tumblr anymore, but I dont get why, how am I supposed to? Like yeah I can understand why he wouldnt want me to go on it, yeah he doesnt trust me all the way, and thats fine, but what the hell...Im supposed to never use tumblr again? I dont want it to be that way. Granite my creative juices arent flowing and I just feel like cussing and punching things. So im supposed to dread waking up everyday because i made a mistake? Well things arent going to work that way. GOD. I just werskljgfksjfgsgljuws;ighwbw
its not fair, and yeah its not fair what i did, but I apoligized and if i could take it back i would! but there is no way too....theres nothing I can do I just wish I wasnt so upset about all of this. why am i a peice of SHIT

54 days until im happy again

cannnt wait:)

Fall is here:)

well not completely, but labor day is over and the weather is cooling down finally. Its been cloudy, windy, and dead-leafy here. Its my favorite time of the year. I love carving pumpkins and drinking pumpkin spice coffee. I mean, thanksgiving is cool and stuff but I barely eat any of the food we have on thanksgiving. Im a picky eater. And after thansgiving comes christmas which im excited for. Its not alexs first christmas but its his first one that hes going to be opening his own presents. I cant believe he is 10 months old today. I dont know where that time goes. Hes standing, crawling, babbling and loving bubble guppies. Id really like to find some bubble guppies DVDs so I can get them for his birthday, which is 2 months away exactly! Wow he is needy, gotta take a break from this...Ill finish up later.

a getaway is muchhh needed.

i just dont understand what im supposed to do anymore. theres so much going on now and i feel like im getting engulfed in depression or something that just doesnt make any sense. i wish someone could explain why this is happening. my mom thinks im a drama queen because i was in the ER tuesday night, but wednesday during the day i went to waldameer for my brothers birthday. and i guess that means that i wasnt in pain at all or anything. i just feel like nobody is listening or nobody cares anymore. i dont get it. what am i doing wrong? why am i being called a child? why is almost all of my family blaming my sadness on missing danny? yes i miss danny, a lot. but i dont have time to worry about that. my mind is full of everything else and im extremely busy being a mom. ive barely talked to danny since he got back there. and im not happy about it but im surviving arent i? i would give anything to be there but why is everyone just thinking that that's what my problem is? they wouldnt know, theyre not in my head, in my memories and doing god only knows what. i feel so weak now. i feel like im being babied, and thats not my plan. im being treeated and called a child because i apparently made a threat? which i really didnt. saying that "youll never see me again" was freaking pertaining to just leaving and being with danny and his family from now on. it wasnt a threat. it was saying thats what i want to do. and i do. i wish someone was here to care about me. yes i have kristin, who is completely awesome, i have alex who makes me so happy, and of course i have danny who im in love with, but hes 5 hours away. i want someone in my family to just ask how im feeling for once. i want them to care, just ONE time. because i feel like im being treated terribly. yes i think if danny was here, there wouldnt be such a problem with the "caring" aspect of everything or whatever but hes not here, and he probably wont be here until november. so i just dont know what to do. i dont know how to make someone want to talk to me or love me. am i seriously that bad of a person that i dont deserve to be cared about? really? i just feel so unloved or uncared for. what am i supposed to do in a situation like this? cuz honestly, i just want to give up. im trying so hard to do everyyyything. i can only do so much.

the rollercoaster called life

not a very fancy shmansy name but im im just so confused. Tuesday night i went to the crawford county fair with my sister, her boyfriend, my friend, my neice, nephew, my son and my sisters friend and her kids. well i was having a really good time. alex was tired and cold so i wanted to leave but my sister wasnt ready to leave. so me,my friend and alex ate some food or whatever. we were listening to eastin corbin and luke bryan who were preforming. and it was in all honesty, the most fun ive had in a while..well i had to go to the bathroom, i know this is tmi, but i had to shit. i was like, i dont even know. but i rolled the stroller in the handicapped bathroom and tried going. i was started to get really strong cramps. i figured my period was coming and wouldnt you know it i started bleeding when i wiped. well it was just like a gush of blood, enough that i could wipe away, well i got up and i just kept getting cramps. i was in there for about 15 minutes when i had my friend come in and take my son so he wouldnt have to see me like this. well she took him and i went back to push some more. it started to feel like i was getting contractions, but i wasnt sure why. well i finally finished and tried coming out, but i collapsed. i didnt know what was happening but i just started contracting over and over. i couldnt feel blood coming out of me but i was just in pain. i couldnt breathe right, and well i got taken to the hospital in the ambulence. i didnt want to be in the hospital, i wanted to get my son home and in bed. but i went because i thought something could seriously be wrong. i didnt know what to do or say. well i had gotten into the hospital room and whatever i was trying to breathe through my pain, which was becoming dull. i got undressed and into a hospital gown, i was waiting to get checked by the doctor. then the shit went down with my sister. she didnt want to wait for me to get checked. she wanted me out now, she signed me out and that was it. i was in pain the whole ride home. i just wanted to get to bed. and once i finally did, i felt better. yesterday morning i felt completely fine. but today i feel the dull pain still there. so im not sure exactly what happened. hopefully i can find someone to get me to the doctor tomorrow morning. but if not ill have to wait til monday. i really hope i didnt have a miscarriage. i dont know. i just needed to get it out.

im very frusturated.

frusturated doesnt look like its spelled right, ahhh. okay well danny started school today, and while im super doooper happy that hes in school again, because the sooner he graduates the sooner we live together...well hes going back to his old school, which is where all of his friends have been. when alex was a few weeks old he was telling me that he doesnt want his old friends back because they wouldnt be a good influence, most of them were drug addicts or whatever. he didnt hangout with the greatest people, drinking and what not. but all of a sudden yesterday..he told me hes going to try to get some of his old friends back. i just kinda bit my tounge..i just said okay. and he gave me permission to get some guy friends. like what the hell, i dont need permission. if i wanted guy friends i could have them. and now hes been in school for 4 hours and only texted me a few times. he knew today was a big day for me and hasnt even congradulated me on getting a 2nd job interview. i just dont get it. maybe im overreacting but he texted me all last year while he was at school. i guess hes probably too busy with his NEW bestfriends that im not important. at least thats how it feels to me. well you know what, when i go to the fair with my new bestfriend today, maybe ill just friggen ignore him and see how he likes it. yeah right, hed freak out. and god, i just dont understand. why does he want to make friends when he knows that after he graduates were going off to bigger and better things. i only have one friend right now and hes going to get like 30 over night. and i trust him, but whats going to happen when he finds girl friends and whatever. i dont think hed cheat on me, but i dont trust stupid pretty girls. it just downs my self esteem like a million, but i could never tell him any of this. god, i just wannt to figure out what to do. i cant even be excited about getting my job because i just feel worthless now. like im 2nd best to his new friends that hes making. why cant he just be here. i feel like an idiot crying but seriously...wouldnt you be upset?

please dont forget me:(

august 22nd.

Well life as a teen mommy is normal today. Alex had therapy for his torticollis, which is good. He wouldnt show her that he can stand on both feet first. I dont know its really hard to explain. There is something bigger then therapy that happened today. Around 10:45 i got a call from a number i didnt realize. I thought it might be alex's therapist because she was running late. But thankfully it wasnt, it was a lady from tim hortons. and she called for a job interview. I have been looking for a job for a long time now and I finally got a call. I might be over dramatic about it but Im really super happy. The sooner I get a job, the sooner i can get my permit and the sooner i get my permit the sooner i grow up. I feel like im being held back because i havent been able to drive at all. me and my mom have an agreement though. i need to be able to have a job to help pay for insurance on the car because it will go up if i get my permit. it really looks like my life is looking up today. This makes me extremely happen. Just last week i was drowning in my tears because danny left to go to back home and now everything is finally looking up. I just feel extremely blessed today. Ive got the perfect son, the perfect fiance and hopefully soon the perfect..well maybe not perfect but worth it job:D fingers crossed!!!!!!

i love that booger in the picture with me, by the way.