8 months til im 18.

now, im not in ANY rush to get out of the house but as soon as i graduate in june, I WILL GET A GOOD JOB. i will probably have to go on foodstamps and everything right away but it will get started. I was just looking at apartments and things on craigslist and its crazy that in just 8 short months ill actually be looking for a place to live and going to work, and this all means that i cant wait. im so excited that ill be out on my own soon, taking care of my son and attempting to cook nice dinners for danny and alex every night. its just gunna be great, im kinda excited:)

I dont know how to deal..

Those two pictures right there, absolutely kill me. That guy with his beautiful baby girl, yeah thats my sons biological father. Notice I dont say dad. And guess what, thats because he's nothing but a sperm donor. Maybe Im the slut for sleeping with him while I knew he was with cassie too, but guess what? I did it. and if im a slut, so be it. Miss anna marie is 3 weeks older then alex, which obviously means we were pregnant at the same time, had sex near the same time and blah blah blah. Well this douchebag here at first denied having sex with me to protect his relationship. well it obviously didnt. How would I be pregnant then? yeah exactly. well those pictures are from his daughters first birthday party. and it makes me sick. she lives in pittsburgh and still had a party for her and saw her. He has NEVER seen my son. and while yeah Im okay with it, I have danny and I love him. It still irks me. I want to get him for child support, I want him to pay for what he did to me. I was small and pretty and now I am an overworked mother struggling to get by. And its his fault. Im living off of my mom because of how tough everything is. And danny doesnt want me to file for child support because he wants to take care of us. Which is the only reason I havent, but I want to so bad. I do not love chris, I never have and I never will. But I think it is the least he can do. I dont understand how this asshole can sleep at night favoring one child but denying the other. And maybe im ovverreacting but I dont think so. I can repeat a hundred times that I love danny and he is all I need but that asshole deserves to pay and deserves everything he gets.

This kinda hit me hard last night.

Alex will never be able to wear regular gloves.

i just dont get it.

why is life so hard for me and my family as others are buying 5 cars that they are never going to drive all at once and never going to need. i wish i had a car and  money and a house and a million other things. i got called trailer trash today. i got called an ugly bitch dumbass today for trying to stand up for the person who i have grown closest to that isnt my family. and then i got denied to go to renis birthday party. I AM FUMING. im trying to be a good person and do everything right. but that doesnt seem to matter now. all that seems to matter is EVERYTHING BESIDES ME. nobody cares that im stressed out, or that i need things too. my sister just lost her job with christmas two months away. im afraid to start my job and honestly i dont think its worth it, but whatever that was decided for me yesterday. gosh, this parenting thing isnt easy. i dont want to do my schoolwork or anything such as. i just want to be done with EVERYTHING. GOD. i dont understand i dont i dont i dont. why cant i just be happy for once. why cant their be a day when i can wake up and have danny be here and help me with breakfast and alex. then i could do some schoolwork, take a shower and a nap. get ready and go to work and then after work go do something fun. i just dont get it. i have lost almost all faith in myself and everyone around me. how am i supposed to do this?

long distance isnt worth it

so dont let anyone ever tell you that it is. its hard and it fucking sucks. theres always going to be cheating or lying or trust issues or something is going to come up. and its ten times harder when you have a child to take care of all alone. ya i get that there are a lot of single teen mothers out there. but im not single and i feel like shit because im doing it all alone. i shouldnt have to. i feel like i have no free time even though i am home alone all day and usually all night. i want time to myself. all day and night and day again i am a mother. and it sucks. i love alex more then anything in the world, but i have to think about him before any decision is made. if i could, right now i would save enough money for a greyhound ticket and be off to cincinatti. but thats not an option with alex. and without alex i wouldnt be with danny so im fine with it being here. but im just barely getting by. im happy, but im not. yeah thats probably confusing but life FUCKING SUCKS NOW. i just so bad want to give danny an ultimatum but i know its not fair because he cant legally leave yet..but january 12th, he better be packing up to come here or i so want to be out. its not healthy for me to be doing this to myself now. im not a child anymore. a phone call, text or IM isnt enough for me. I lay every night staring at his side of the bed and my heart breaks a little more every time were apart. and yeah were trying to work on things. but am i supposed to tell him that im getting those feelings, but im not acting on it. i love him and i dont want to ruin it. but those needy feelings are slowly creeping back and i dont know what the hell im supposed to do. i want everything to work out and him to be here. im not going to mess up again, i know that but if those feelings overpower me what am i supposed to do? I could type until my fingers get out, but i dont have time for that. the only one who can do something about it is danny and i. so im going to let him read this when he gets home from school and we can talk about it.

baby, i do love you. lets get through this together.

what the hell do you do?

I feel like complete shit, and i have for a while. Im sick of feeling like crap because I cheated. There is no way to take back time but I wish I wish I wish. I with things would have been different and yeah were still together but I cant take it. I get to feel like a peice of shit every day. Its like, he doesnt trust me to use tumblr anymore, but I dont get why, how am I supposed to? Like yeah I can understand why he wouldnt want me to go on it, yeah he doesnt trust me all the way, and thats fine, but what the hell...Im supposed to never use tumblr again? I dont want it to be that way. Granite my creative juices arent flowing and I just feel like cussing and punching things. So im supposed to dread waking up everyday because i made a mistake? Well things arent going to work that way. GOD. I just werskljgfksjfgsgljuws;ighwbw
its not fair, and yeah its not fair what i did, but I apoligized and if i could take it back i would! but there is no way too....theres nothing I can do I just wish I wasnt so upset about all of this. why am i a peice of SHIT

54 days until im happy again

cannnt wait:)