Saturday, August 27, 2011

a getaway is muchhh needed.

i just dont understand what im supposed to do anymore. theres so much going on now and i feel like im getting engulfed in depression or something that just doesnt make any sense. i wish someone could explain why this is happening. my mom thinks im a drama queen because i was in the ER tuesday night, but wednesday during the day i went to waldameer for my brothers birthday. and i guess that means that i wasnt in pain at all or anything. i just feel like nobody is listening or nobody cares anymore. i dont get it. what am i doing wrong? why am i being called a child? why is almost all of my family blaming my sadness on missing danny? yes i miss danny, a lot. but i dont have time to worry about that. my mind is full of everything else and im extremely busy being a mom. ive barely talked to danny since he got back there. and im not happy about it but im surviving arent i? i would give anything to be there but why is everyone just thinking that that's what my problem is? they wouldnt know, theyre not in my head, in my memories and doing god only knows what. i feel so weak now. i feel like im being babied, and thats not my plan. im being treeated and called a child because i apparently made a threat? which i really didnt. saying that "youll never see me again" was freaking pertaining to just leaving and being with danny and his family from now on. it wasnt a threat. it was saying thats what i want to do. and i do. i wish someone was here to care about me. yes i have kristin, who is completely awesome, i have alex who makes me so happy, and of course i have danny who im in love with, but hes 5 hours away. i want someone in my family to just ask how im feeling for once. i want them to care, just ONE time. because i feel like im being treated terribly. yes i think if danny was here, there wouldnt be such a problem with the "caring" aspect of everything or whatever but hes not here, and he probably wont be here until november. so i just dont know what to do. i dont know how to make someone want to talk to me or love me. am i seriously that bad of a person that i dont deserve to be cared about? really? i just feel so unloved or uncared for. what am i supposed to do in a situation like this? cuz honestly, i just want to give up. im trying so hard to do everyyyything. i can only do so much.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

the rollercoaster called life

not a very fancy shmansy name but im im just so confused. Tuesday night i went to the crawford county fair with my sister, her boyfriend, my friend, my neice, nephew, my son and my sisters friend and her kids. well i was having a really good time. alex was tired and cold so i wanted to leave but my sister wasnt ready to leave. so me,my friend and alex ate some food or whatever. we were listening to eastin corbin and luke bryan who were preforming. and it was in all honesty, the most fun ive had in a while..well i had to go to the bathroom, i know this is tmi, but i had to shit. i was like, i dont even know. but i rolled the stroller in the handicapped bathroom and tried going. i was started to get really strong cramps. i figured my period was coming and wouldnt you know it i started bleeding when i wiped. well it was just like a gush of blood, enough that i could wipe away, well i got up and i just kept getting cramps. i was in there for about 15 minutes when i had my friend come in and take my son so he wouldnt have to see me like this. well she took him and i went back to push some more. it started to feel like i was getting contractions, but i wasnt sure why. well i finally finished and tried coming out, but i collapsed. i didnt know what was happening but i just started contracting over and over. i couldnt feel blood coming out of me but i was just in pain. i couldnt breathe right, and well i got taken to the hospital in the ambulence. i didnt want to be in the hospital, i wanted to get my son home and in bed. but i went because i thought something could seriously be wrong. i didnt know what to do or say. well i had gotten into the hospital room and whatever i was trying to breathe through my pain, which was becoming dull. i got undressed and into a hospital gown, i was waiting to get checked by the doctor. then the shit went down with my sister. she didnt want to wait for me to get checked. she wanted me out now, she signed me out and that was it. i was in pain the whole ride home. i just wanted to get to bed. and once i finally did, i felt better. yesterday morning i felt completely fine. but today i feel the dull pain still there. so im not sure exactly what happened. hopefully i can find someone to get me to the doctor tomorrow morning. but if not ill have to wait til monday. i really hope i didnt have a miscarriage. i dont know. i just needed to get it out.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

im very frusturated.

frusturated doesnt look like its spelled right, ahhh. okay well danny started school today, and while im super doooper happy that hes in school again, because the sooner he graduates the sooner we live together...well hes going back to his old school, which is where all of his friends have been. when alex was a few weeks old he was telling me that he doesnt want his old friends back because they wouldnt be a good influence, most of them were drug addicts or whatever. he didnt hangout with the greatest people, drinking and what not. but all of a sudden yesterday..he told me hes going to try to get some of his old friends back. i just kinda bit my tounge..i just said okay. and he gave me permission to get some guy friends. like what the hell, i dont need permission. if i wanted guy friends i could have them. and now hes been in school for 4 hours and only texted me a few times. he knew today was a big day for me and hasnt even congradulated me on getting a 2nd job interview. i just dont get it. maybe im overreacting but he texted me all last year while he was at school. i guess hes probably too busy with his NEW bestfriends that im not important. at least thats how it feels to me. well you know what, when i go to the fair with my new bestfriend today, maybe ill just friggen ignore him and see how he likes it. yeah right, hed freak out. and god, i just dont understand. why does he want to make friends when he knows that after he graduates were going off to bigger and better things. i only have one friend right now and hes going to get like 30 over night. and i trust him, but whats going to happen when he finds girl friends and whatever. i dont think hed cheat on me, but i dont trust stupid pretty girls. it just downs my self esteem like a million, but i could never tell him any of this. god, i just wannt to figure out what to do. i cant even be excited about getting my job because i just feel worthless now. like im 2nd best to his new friends that hes making. why cant he just be here. i feel like an idiot crying but seriously...wouldnt you be upset?

please dont forget me:(

Monday, August 22, 2011

august 22nd.

Well life as a teen mommy is normal today. Alex had therapy for his torticollis, which is good. He wouldnt show her that he can stand on both feet first. I dont know its really hard to explain. There is something bigger then therapy that happened today. Around 10:45 i got a call from a number i didnt realize. I thought it might be alex's therapist because she was running late. But thankfully it wasnt, it was a lady from tim hortons. and she called for a job interview. I have been looking for a job for a long time now and I finally got a call. I might be over dramatic about it but Im really super happy. The sooner I get a job, the sooner i can get my permit and the sooner i get my permit the sooner i grow up. I feel like im being held back because i havent been able to drive at all. me and my mom have an agreement though. i need to be able to have a job to help pay for insurance on the car because it will go up if i get my permit. it really looks like my life is looking up today. This makes me extremely happen. Just last week i was drowning in my tears because danny left to go to back home and now everything is finally looking up. I just feel extremely blessed today. Ive got the perfect son, the perfect fiance and hopefully soon the perfect..well maybe not perfect but worth it job:D fingers crossed!!!!!!
i love that booger in the picture with me, by the way.